


You Didn’t Say You’re Sorry (You Don’t Care That You Hurt Me)

by slashter



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 1D Smut Free, Acephobia, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Bisexual Character, Coming Out, Demiromanticism, Happy Ending, OT5 Friendship, Platonic Cuddling, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Hatred, side elounor - Freeform, unrequited one-sided lourry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-24
Updated: 2014-11-24
Packaged: 2018-02-26 20:56:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2666105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slashter/pseuds/slashter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"I'm asexual," he says, almost immediately, and four sets of eyes widen--he can feel the intensity of their gazes burn into his sides.</i>
</p><p>[Or the one where Niall comes out to his bandmates but doesn't get quite the reaction he hopes for from one of them]</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Didn’t Say You’re Sorry (You Don’t Care That You Hurt Me)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so hey guys this was written for the [1d Smut Free ficathon](1dsmutfree.tumblr.com)!!! I wasn't expecting for it to turn out this huge but I'm happy with it!
> 
> ***NOTE: This fic is rated Teen & Up because of mentions of sex, alcohol, and drugs. (Very minimal sex talk, obviously.)
> 
> Major shout-outs to [Aylin](http://xylxn.tumblr.com), [Jess](http://socomicallygay.tumblr.com), and of course [ Fee](http://nocontrolniallx.tumblr.com) for setting up and managing the ficathon. #bless
> 
> Also big, big love to my wonderful betas, [Eran](http://bearans.tumblr.com) and [Izzy](http://soofyahn.tumblr.com) who helped me out from the goodness of their hearts and helped me write this fic properly and corrected all my (numerous) mistakes...even if Izzy abandoned reading it because FOUR leaked...but #same tbh. This fic would be NOTHING without them so so much credit goes to them. I LOVE YOU BOTH
> 
>  **WARNING:** PLEASE READ THIS. This fic contains a good amount of acephobic remarks as well as a bit of self-hate from an asexual character. Everything works out in the end but I want to make sure everyone reading this knows that this exists in this fic because I don't want anyone to feel shocked or uncomfortable. Be safe my little beebs!!!
> 
> ~Title is from Never Again by Justin Timberlake

\------

 

It's past midnight. Niall can tell because his knee's acting up--it's become really weird like that. If he's drunk enough, he starts getting a slow ache through his leg as soon as the clock strikes twelve. 

The pain's kind of dulled off by now, but Niall can't help but rub his knee out of habit. That's how Louis finds him a couple minutes later, absentmindedly tracing his scar as he watches the fluttering activity of the bar around him.

"Nialler," Louis calls, his tone concerned, as he stumbles towards Niall, his eyes a bit glazed. He licks his lips and smiles, absolutely beaming as Niall grins back at him. He's really pretty, Niall thinks, watches how Louis pushes his fringe back from his face, just this side of sweat-damp. He swings an arm over Niall's shoulder and pulls him close, close enough so Niall can smell the acrid scent of weed still clinging to his vest.

"You havin' fun?" Louis mumbles, slurring a bit, and Niall raises an eyebrow. 

"I'm set, mate," Niall says, raising his bottle and tilting it to Louis. "You sound like you're having a bit more fun than me, though, huh?"

"Would be," Louis says, sighing and leaning back against the wall Niall is pressed against. "Would be, if El was here, y'know? She always makes these nights more fun. Likes to laugh at drunk idiots with me."

Niall smirks. "Drunk idiots like you?" he asks, and Louis flips him off.

"'M not _that_ drunk," Louis hiccups, then giggles. "Okay, maybe I am. Shh. Don't tell her."

Niall can't resist it, though, and takes his phone out, snapping a quick photo of Louis grinning at the camera, eyes squinted shut happily, both thumbs up. Louis blinks a bit, the flash still temporarily blinding him, but he stares dazedly at Niall, blinks a few times before smiling again.

"Am I dead?" 

"No, you twat," Niall replies, typing away at his phone and sending the picture off to Eleanor. "But I think if you have any more shots, you'll be close. Go get some water."

Louis smacks his mouth, sticking his tongue out. "Niall, I want some water."

Niall sighs, then wraps an arm around Louis' waist, guiding him over to the solitary, untouched pitcher of water that's sitting and sweating on an empty table. Louis leans his head down and tucks it into Niall's neck, then presses his lips to Niall's collarbones in a gentle almost-kiss. Niall can feel Louis' mouth stretch into a smile over his clavicle.

"Love you, Niall," Louis mumbles, as Niall pours him a glass of water. "Love you so much."

"You too, Louis," Niall says quietly, watching fondly as Louis dribbles the water down the front of his top. "You too."

 

\------

 

The next morning, Niall wakes up with this throbbing in his bones, the one he gets once in a while when he hasn't worked out and his body's craving some strenuous movement. He doesn't know why he's feeling like this--he's on stage almost every single night, hopping around and being a general idiot--but he sighs regardless, a slave to his physical condition, and texts the one other person who'd be up at this time.

 

He meets Harry at the hotel gym, dressed in basic basketball shorts and a vest, but of _course_ Harry is there in his neon sneakers and what are probably women's shorts, completely shirtless with a pink sweatband stretched across his head as he taps away at his phone.

"Hey, Nialler," Harry says, looking up grinning at him, and Niall is so ridiculously endeared by this complete marshmallow of a boy.

"Hey, Bambi," Niall replies. Harry laughs and then sticks his tongue out, slinging an arm across Niall's shoulders.

"So what's the plan for today? Run off an almost-hangover? Weights? Stairs?" he asks, ruffling up Niall's flat, un-styled hair.

Niall leans into his touch subconsciously. "Not sure. Whatever you're feeling, mate. I just need to tire myself out, I think. Been suspiciously jumpy lately."

"Hmm," Harry says, then leans back, eyeing Niall up and down, his hands on his hips. He cocks his head. "Yoga sounds good, then. A bit of relaxing?"

Niall rolls his eyes. "This is just an excuse for _you_ to do more yoga, isn't it?"

"Niall, I am _wounded_ by that assumption!" Harry cries, but jogs over to the corner of the gym where his duffel is, and Niall's not surprised when he returns with yoga mats and towels for the two of them.

"Wanker," he mutters, and Harry puts his hands underneath his chin, fluttering his eyelashes at Niall as they walk over to the sauna.

"You love me," Harry corrects, as they lay their things out and Harry stretches himself on his mat, making his limbs contract and elongate and twist up into what look like very uncomfortable positions, though his face stays calm and relaxed. Damn, maybe Niall _does_ need some yoga.

He sighs, getting on his knees on the mat and pressing his forehead to the surface, stretching his arms over his head. It feels good.

"Half tortoise pose," Harry says, knowingly, and Niall can hear him crawl over and lean over Niall's body. He feels Harry's large, warm hands at the base of his spine, slowly pressing his hips down more so that his bum touches his heels. " _Ardha-Kurmasana._ Great for the spine," Harry narrates, and Niall sighs and feels his shoulders pop at the stretch. He feels more relaxed than he has in ages. "Make sure just your forehead and your little fingers touch the mat, nothing else," he instructs, and Niall follows his orders.

The next hour and a half is full of Harry stretching, pulling, and bending Niall into all sorts of inhuman positions until they finally lie down on their backs, eyes closed, for a final relaxation.

" _Savasana_ ," Harry says, and Niall grunts in response. He's taken off his top by now and the two of them are positively soaked with sweat, the sauna steaming around them. Niall lets out a relaxed breath and feels his body follow along in movement, his heart rate slowing down till he feels completely at peace.

"Thanks, Haz," he mumbles, just this side of drowsy, and he feels Harry's hand slide into his own. Their palms are undoubtedly sticky and dry and gross, but Niall's heart suddenly blooms with adoration at the simple act. He squeezes Harry's hand.

"Love you," he says, and Harry taps his thumb against Niall's in reply, in agreement. It's as simple as that.

 

\------

 

This club is intense--there's too much noise blaring through speakers all around him and the strobe lights are blinking so fast that he can barely see where he's going. There's a ton of people around him too, and Niall would start having a panic attack if it wasn't for the strong, sturdy arm that's been wrapped around his waist since they walked into this place.

He and Liam had been doing this for the last few years now--they'll pick a random day in between their birthdays and then just disappear for the night, go out and do random and crazy things just to blow off steam and enjoy some time together. Last year they'd gone to a gay strip club--Liam's choice, he insisted, said he wanted to do some 'research' into good dance moves--and the year before that they had snuck into an arcade and given all the tickets they'd won to a sad little girl who hadn't won any. 

The night always ended with the two of them getting pretty drunk and then stumbling into a bakery or ice cream shop to share a treat between the two of them. They've always managed to stay incognito, too, but Niall thinks this is going to be the hardest year yet, since their fame has practically quadrupled since then, their faces splashed on every magazine and newspaper around the world. People in the club are already starting to notice them--Niall's seen a few girls do double-takes when he and Liam have walked by. He clenches his fists anxiously. The last thing he wants is for this to become a messy situation. Neither he nor Liam brought any bodyguards because the whole _point_ of this tradition is to sneak out and go wild, but if too many people recognize them, it's going to turn into a complete shitshow.

"What's up?" Liam asks, leaning into Niall's ear to make his voice heard over the pounding bass. His scruff scratches against Niall's chin and Niall smiles at the familiar sensation. It grounds him a bit, and he exhales shakily before offering Liam a smile.

"Just scared we'll be recognized. I don't want this to spiral out of control."

"Nah, mate, we're good," Liam says, casually weaving the two of them over to the bar. They'd made a beeline for it when they'd arrived, then moved into the dance floor, dancing ridiculously with each other like a couple of drunken idiots. "Two Jack and cokes, please," he calls to the bartender, sliding his card across the counter.

Niall gives him a slightly dopey smile. "Ah, Payne. You know me too well." He pulls his wallet out quickly and slams his card onto the countertop. "Not well enough, though, I suppose. Two shots of your finest Jose Cuervo," he says to the bartender, smiling, as the man returns with the drinks Liam had ordered. He nods and takes Niall's card, turning to get their drinks.

"My, my! We are shaking things up, aren't we?" Liam asks, raising an eyebrow, as the bartender shows up with their shots. "How _saucy_."

"Well, it's me and you, innit?" Niall asks, then licks a stripe up the back of his hand and shakes some salt onto it, offering the shaker to Liam right afterwards and grabbing the lime wedge on the rim of the shot glass.

"Y'all ready for this?" Liam asks, singing his words, and Niall grins, clinking their glasses together.

 

A couple hours later, after the club, they manage to find themselves inside a small mom-and-pop type ice cream place. It's got red-and-white checkered tile and a bunch of photographs of the owners posing with various celebrities who've stopped by. Niall is instantly endeared.

The woman at the cash register is the same woman in the photos, and she smiles at the two of them warmly before asking them what they'd like.

"Er…cookie dough?" Liam says, looking at Niall for approval. "And chocolate. And do you have some whipped cream?"

The lady nods, and Liam and Niall find a table. Liam beams at Niall when he sits down.

"It's time," he says, and Niall feels confused until he realizes what Liam's referring to, and he laughs.

"James' Jams?" he asks excitedly, and Liam nods exaggeratedly. It's kind of another silly practice they do, but he loves it nonetheless. They'd thought it up together on their first birthday extravaganza, when they'd made a list of their favorite songs of the past year. Then they'd spent five minutes trying to come up with a good name for the idea until Niall had suddenly remembered that him and Liam had the same middle name--a fact that he really only forgot because he was pretty hammered--and thus, James' Jams was born. The other boys didn't know much about the idea, but usually within a week of each new playlist being created, they were given a mix CD of it. Niall's excited to make them this year because he thinks it's been a particularly good few seasons for music.

"Rather Be," Niall says first, and Liam bites his lip. 

"Damn, I was gonna say that one. Um…I Will Never Let You Down?" he suggests, and Niall nods in approval. 

"Good one."

The lady from the front appears, sliding a plate in between them. "A special dessert for the boys of One Direction," she says, with a wink, and Niall feels his face drain of all color. 

Liam must notice, though, because he steps in immediately, and both the boys are relieved to learn how understanding the woman is.

"This shop's been around since 1962," she says, hand on her hip. "If I had been tattletale, spoutin' off to every Tom, Dick, and Harry about where the celebrities were, do you think I'd still be in business?" 

Niall smiles. "Thanks a lot, ma'am," he says, and she winks again, turning around and sashaying back to the kitchen. He looks over at Liam. "Well, that was close."

"Have some faith, Niall," Liam replies, sticking his spoon directly into the mound of whipped cream in their bowl, forgoing the ice cream completely. Niall rolls his eyes. "We're making James' Jams 2014. The universe would _never_ let something interrupt us now."

Niall shrugs. "I suppose. Feed me," he says, and Liam obeys without any hesitation, scooping up a spoonful of both flavors and putting it into Niall's mouth. Niall grins. "I've got you whipped, Payne."

Liam laughs and shakes his head. "It was just to shut you up. I'm going to go a second turn. Stay With Me."

"I have no choice, do I?" Niall quips, then grins. "Okay, okay. Chandelier."

Liam makes a face. "Really? I mean, the beat's good, but the music video is kind of strange, yeah?"

"Liam, we've _met_ Sia," Niall says, and it's true, they had, a year or so back at some music festival or something like that. Liam sighs.

"Yeah, I know, but you don't have to love everyone's music, y'know?"

"I suppose," Niall says, scooping up a heaping portion of ice cream onto his spoon. "Everyone always tells me how they like Don't Forget Where You Belong _so_ much more than Better Than Words."

Liam gasps, scandalized, but Niall shuts him up quickly by shoving the spoon of ice cream into his mouth.

 

It's the walk back to the hotel that's Niall's favorite part--the roads are silent, quiet, not too many passerby, no paparazzi blinding his path. It's just him and Liam, fingers intertwined, swinging their arms in between them as they laugh through the memories of the past year.

"Love you, Nialler," Liam says, once they get to their hallway. His room's on the opposite end of it, so Liam pulls Niall into a big bear hug and holds onto him tight. "Thanks for making our birthdays alright."

Niall holds on just as tight to Liam, breathing in the deep notes of his cologne and reveling in the warmth of the hug before he mumbles a reply.

"Love you too."

 

\------

 

It's the last day of a very, _very_ busy week when Zayn pulls Niall aside right as he's about to back to his bedroom.

"Yo," Zayn says, raising an eyebrow. "Smoke?"

Niall sighs. He's exhausted, yeah, but just the thought of getting high right now seems _so_ appealing. Plus he hasn't had the chance to talk to Zayn in a while, so he nods and shrugs.

"Alright," he replies, and follows Zayn to his room. It's cold in there, as always, and the bedsheets are a mess, but the entire room smells of Zayn and it's wonderfully refreshing and incredibly comforting at the same time. He walks over to the balcony automatically, sliding the door shut behind him and plopping down into a lounge chair, the humidity making the summer air thick with moisture.

Niall hears Zayn walk out onto the patio and turns to see him approaching Niall's chair, the little metal superhero tin he always has--his 'High Kit', as Louis lovingly calls it--in his hand. Niall's expecting him to sit in the lounge chair next to him but Zayn fits himself easily into the one Niall's already sat in, sliding his thin body next to Niall.

"Hello," Zayn says, and he's smiling, so Niall can't help but smile back. He turns onto his side and it frees up enough room for the two of them to kind of just loll comfortably.

"Bowl or joints?" Niall asks, and Zayn makes a face.

"Be kinda hard to smoke a bowl in this position, huh?" He asks, and Niall nods. "That's fine. Got some nice ones rolled up here anyways."

He opens his tin and Niall looks in eagerly, always entranced by its contents. He smokes weed, sure, and has even done some weird pills and tabs, but Zayn's High Kit always fascinates him. This time he spots a whole slew of colorfully-wrapped joints.

"Ooh, pretty," he comments, and Zayn snorts.

"It's a pattern for each of you," Zayn says, lifting up a couple. "See?"

Niall takes one in his palm and smiles when he sees that the paper is printed with small green shamrocks. The other one in Zayn's hand has the Batman logo on it and, when Niall looks back down at the High Kit, he catches a glimpse of a soccer ball and a banana.

"You really have us down pat, don't you?" Niall asks, and Zayn rolls his eyes, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a lighter.

"You good to start?" he asks, and Niall nods, slipping the joint in his mouth and inhaling as Zayn lights the end.

It's thick smoke, curls up on Niall's tongue, just as heavy as the air outside. He holds it in for a few seconds then breathes it out, but the night air is so still that it's as if the smoke just hangs there as well, the tendrils curling into nothingness but perched in just one spot.

"Damn," Zayn says, then takes a drag himself, watching the smoke slink way. It's how they entertain themselves for a little bit before Zayn turns over to Niall and gives him a watchful look.

"What?" Niall asks, taking the joint from Zayn and breathing the sour smoke in. Zayn shrugs.

"Are you okay? I dunno, recently I guess you've been kind of quiet. Quieter than usual."

"Wait, _you're_ chastising _me_ for being quiet?" Niall asks, and Zayn pokes him in the nose before swiping the joint and inhaling deeply. He starts blowing smoke rings and it's pretty much hypnotizing, the shape of Zayn's lips and the smoke puffing into perfect O-shapes in the air above them. Zayn really is pretty gorgeous.

Niall sighs and Zayn looks over, concerned. It's Niall's turn to shrug. "I guess I…I dunno. This past, like, month or so has just really made me realize how much I love you guys, how much I love this band."

"Anything specific happen in that time frame? Or was it just a more gradual conclusion that stemmed from how we're literally living in each other's pants?"

"I feel like it's not really a conclusion," Niall says, and frowns a bit. "I think there's still something kind of building up in me, and something's going to happen soon. Like, I feel like I might explode. In a good way. I might just go out and get crazy and like, adopt 10 puppies or something."

"That'd be a sight," Zayn comments, and then hands the joint over to Niall. "But you're just _now_ discovering your love for us?"

Niall exhales. His mouth is getting a bit dry and he can feel a familiar heaviness start to set over him as the smoke curls past his lips. He licks them.

"I think…" he pauses, considering. "I think I'm just now discovering the _kind_ of love I have for all of you."

"Hmm," Zayn says, sucking in smoke and shooting it out. The joint's almost done by now, really, so Zayn stubs it out on the balcony railing, picking up his High Kit and walking back inside. "You coming?" he calls, over his shoulder, and Niall stands up too fast, wobbles a bit in place, before stumbling inside.

Zayn's already in bed, but he's peeled back a corner of the duvet for Niall, so Niall sheds his top and jeans, curling into Zayn's sheets in just his boxers. He feels Zayn bring a hand up to rub at his shoulder comfortingly.

"You know we'll all love you no matter what, right?" Zayn asks, and Niall blinks back what feels like tears. He can barely think straight right now--he hates going to bed high, it always fucks up his cognition--but he manages to nod, which makes Zayn smile and lean in, pressing a small, soft kiss to Niall's forehead. " _I'll_ love you no matter what," he adds as an afterthought, and Niall smiles against Zayn's shoulder.

"Me too," he whispers, and falls asleep in Zayn's arms.

 

\------

 

The first time Niall had kissed someone, he’d been really young. Not much more than 12, really. And it had been a dare, someone had told him that he _had_ to kiss Sally, the young French girl who was staying at Eoghan's house as a foreign exchange student, because otherwise he'd never kiss a girl again and, well. He couldn't have risked that. He remembers it--it was soft and quick and right afterwards Sally ran away, blushing, to her friends, while Niall just stood rooted to the spot, confused.

The next kiss Niall had was a few years down the line--16, about--during boot camp. There had been a lot of people there, people from all over the categories, but Niall remembers getting kind of tipsy one night on some stolen beer and then proceeding kiss this one guy, Gregory? George? Something like that. It was almost the opposite of his first kiss, heavily laced with the implications of some sort of sexual activity afterwards. Nothing happened, though, Niall shying away at the last moment, but he came pretty damn close.

He never even batted an eyelid at the fact that he'd kissed a _boy_. It didn't really seem to matter to him who he was kissing--it's what the kisses caused in him that made him feel so anxious. He had read in multiple books and articles and everything in between about those fireworks you get when you kiss someone you love, but he'd never felt dizzy or notoriously happy after a kiss.

It was the same with sex. He’d read about it and heard about it, but never really made a move to chase after it. It just seemed like it would occur at some point in his life, as it did for everyone else in the world, apparently, so Niall was content with just sitting around and waiting for it to happen. Though, to be honest, he never really understood why so many people made such a big deal out of it. 

It took Louis talking about his first time with a girl--going into deep detail about what sex with Hannah was like, to the admiration and slight disgust of all his bandmates--to get Niall really aware about his complete and total lack of interest in the subject. Louis went on and on about where they were and how they did it and all the different types of things you could apparently involve yourself in but Niall honestly just didn't care. Yeah, he could sit through that car scene in Titanic, and sure, he could understand why people found full-frontal nude scenes in movies interesting, but to him, it was just black and white. 

 

For a long time, he felt really strange about it--the boys would all tell stories about their various sexual encounters and Niall would have to make shit up, talk about how he'd snuck off with girls at clubs, spout some excuses about not liking bringing people to his hotel room, stuff like that, until eventually the guys had just learned to assume that Niall didn't like talking about the sex he'd had.

Which was, y'know. Fine with Niall and all that, he just--wishes it didn't have to be that complicated, wishes he could find it in him to tell the boys about how he feels. It's not like he's in the dark. He's googled all the different kinds of sexual orientations out there, especially after Harry had come out to the boys as bisexual. They'd all been supportive of him, obviously, but when Niall had stumbled upon asexuality and, more importantly, the AVEN forums, he'd felt this immediate sense of relief, this rush of comfort letting him know that he wasn't weird or going through some weird phase. This was just him, naturally who he was, and he didn't have to hide it from anyone.

And Niall thinks he's finally ready to tell his four best friends one of his biggest secrets.

 

\------

 

" _Party time_!" Louis cries, pushing Niall's door open and almost falling into the room, catching himself at the last second and then walking over, dumping a few plastic bags on the small table inside. "You ready, Horan?"

Niall laughs. "When am I not?"

"True," Louis nods, as Harry and Liam walk in. "Where's the Z-man?"

"Stop calling me that," Zayn says, walking in from the balcony. There's a light smell of cigarette smoke about him, but even that can't deter anyone from wanting to be around him. "You're gonna tweet it one day and then that's all the fans are going to call me."

"I think it could be fun," Harry says, grinning, as he helps Louis pull out the beers. "I'll be H-man. Then we'll have N-man," he adds, pointing to Niall. Niall winks back at him.

"What about me?" Liam pouts, flopping down next to Niall on the bed. "There can't be _two_ L-mans," He scrunches up his face in thought. "L-men?"

"No, obviously, you're Li-man," Louis says, opening up a bag of cheese puffs and sitting down, "and I'm Lo-man."

"Lemon and Lo Mein?" Harry asks, laughing, and Niall laughs along, Louis throwing cheese puffs at them. 

"Absolute wankers," he mutters, then pulls Liam's beanie off his head and pours the entire packet into it.

"Louis!" Liam cries, and Louis just cackles.

"We're indoors, you twat, why are you even _wearing_ that?"

 

It's not until another hour or so that the five of them calm down enough for them all to be smushed together on the king-sized bed in the middle of the room, flipping through random channels on the ridiculously large television in front of them. The perks of being in an internationally famous boyband, Niall assumes.

"What's on that's good?" Zayn asks, and Louis shrugs, remote in hand.

"This Is The End?" he suggests, and Liam whoops in agreement, but Harry and Niall boo. 

"Hey, is that Finding Nemo?" Harry says, and then whole lot of them groan. 

"Why is it always so hard for us to find something that we all want to watch?" Niall asks, and Zayn laughs. 

"It's because we're proper idiots," he says, and Niall nods obediently.

"True that."

"I've got an idea!" Louis says, slowly, and then hits a few buttons on the remote until a pay-per-view menu shows up. He looks to the guys with a smirk. "You lot up for some _adult_ entertainment?"

Surprisingly enough, all four of the rest of them are silent, though it seems like everyone besides Niall is about to vote positively on this.

"I mean…" Liam starts, and then shrugs. 

Zayn groans. "I just don't want us getting weird about it."

Louis rolls his eyes. "It's not like it hasn't happened before."

"Yeah, okay," Zayn replies, giving Louis a dirty look, "but I don't like it when it happens. Is anyone going to back me up on this?"

"I vote no," Niall says, and Zayn smiles at him thankfully.

"What if it's just softcore?" Harry suggests, and Zayn and Niall shake their heads at the same time.

"Why are you two trying to ruin our fun?" Louis whines, flopping down onto the bed.

"I just think there's some things people should keep personal and this is one of them. We're already living out of each others' suitcases, I'd like to keep _some_ things private from the rest of you."

Louis laughs. "As _if_ , Malik. Name _one_ thing about you I don't know."

"Ooh, this is a fun game. Can we play this game?" Harry says, and sits up. "Zayn's first."

Zayn lets out a defeated sigh. "Whatever. As long as we're not watching porn. Fuck." He scrubs his hand over his face and sighs again. "Okay, um--my right nipple is pierced," He mumbles, glancing around at all of them with a very regretful look on his face.

It's silent in the room for about half a second before the other four of them are _roaring_ in shock, almost tearing Zayn's shirt off before poking at his chest.

"Shit."

"Can you see it?"

"No way."

"Fuck, there's something _in_ there."

"Zayn, you're my hero."

Zayn struggles at first but then just gives up, lying there as if in retribution for his confession. Harry presses a solid kiss to his forehead as Louis and Liam continually prod at his right nipple.

"Is it like…a clear stud?" Louis asks, and Zayn nods.

"I was drunk. But it was fine," he says, and Liam shakes his head in amazement.

"Bro, this is too real," he mutters, and Zayn gives him a small smile.

"Thanks, I guess. Now if you're all done analyzing my nipples, can we move on from this?" Zayn says, swatting their hands away as he sits up and pulls his now-wrinkled--and definitely torn--shirt back on. "Who's going next?"

 

Harry volunteers, which isn't really a surprise to anyone, and shows off a small smiley face tattoo that he'd gotten a few months back when he was super drunk. It's in the crease of his thigh, so high that he's got to strip his bottom half completely to show them all, but everyone seems impressed. It's not like Harry to get a tattoo without blabbing about it to _someone_ , though Harry sheepishly admits that Lou and Tom know about it.

Liam talks about owning a proper men’s thong, which leads to him actually giving them a full-on runway show with only it on and nothing else. It's ridiculous, really, because it's bright red and glittery and it doesn't even fit him properly, but it has the other four of them rolling on the floor laughing and in tears. It reaches a climax when he figures out that he can't even get it off because it's too tight--Niall and Harry have to run outside to the balcony because they're laughing so hard--so he reluctantly dresses himself again and blushes every time someone mentions underwear throughout the course of the night. 

Louis is next, because Niall says he wants to go last, and he knows Louis won't deny him that, even if it means losing the big finish. He proudly exclaims that he's been wearing the same pair of boxers for the past week, which leads to all of them booing him and literally kicking him off the bed. He stays on the floor cackling until they start throwing pillows at him, at which point everything basically breaks down into some sort of pseudo-serious pillow fight.

It's not until even later when they're all lying around, spread out on various furniture with beers in hand, that Niall's secret is brought up.

 

"You never told us yours!" Louis exclaims, as if he's discovered some big conspiracy, and almost bounds out of his seat to join Niall on the bed. "Tell us, tell us, _tell_ us!"

Niall rolls his eyes, trying to play it out as if it's no big deal, even though his heart is thudding ridiculously loud in his chest and almost feels like he can't breathe. He knows he wants to do it now, though, knows it's the best moment to do it and knows that he'll definitely regret it if he doesn't get this over with now.

"I'm, uh," he starts, clearing his throat and then sitting up. Zayn seems to notice the change in his behavior and sits up straight, suddenly looking a lot more concerned. He sees Zayn nudge Liam with his elbow and have a silent conversation with him with his eyes before Liam immediately goes into his serious mode, brow furrowed, attention completely on Niall. Harry's half under Niall at this point but he rolls onto his side, eyebrow raised.

"Confess your sins, Horan," he says, in a deep voice, obviously trying to lighten the mood. The air in the room is thick with tension now, as if everyone's expecting Niall's secret to be something life-threatening, which is the exact opposite of what Niall wanted. He wanted them all laughing, a carefree environment for him to talk about sexual orientations.

Niall takes a deep breath and then exhales. He blinks and licks his lips, then decides that he needs to suck it all up and stop being such a fucking coward because these guys, they're his _friends_ ; they've been around for so much and they'll keep sticking around for even longer. He knows they won't do or say anything stupid but it's just the weight of his announcement that's making him so nervous.

"Okay," Niall says, clearing his throat again. "I've, uh, been thinking about telling you guys this for a while. I've known about it for a long time, I just never thought of really telling you lot before but as of recently I feel like I _have_ to, because I just love all of you so much and I trust you and--"

"Niall," Zayn says, Niall silences. "Niall, are you dying or something? Are you--"

"What?" Niall cries, then lets out a nervous laugh. "Fuck. No, oh my god, fuck, did it sound like that? No, shit, I just--damnit," he says, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. "God, I don't know how to do this, I don't know how Harry did it so easily with all of us."

There's a little bit of a pause before anybody speaks.

"How I did what so easily?" Harry asks, curious, and Niall puts his hands down and gives Harry a pleading look, hoping that at least he'll catch on to what Niall's trying to do. It doesn't take more than a few seconds, thank god, for Harry to realize what's happening, and his eyes grow wide.

"Ni, are you--shit, are you _coming out_?" he says, and the everyone in the room collectively takes a tense inhale.

Niall bites his lip and nods, slowly, glancing around at everyone to make sure no one's freaking out. Well, no one but him, of course, but he thinks he's allowed a little bit of panic at this moment. 

"I--" Harry starts, then nods. "Okay. Um. Fuck, Niall, you know we're here for you, no matter what, yeah?"

Niall nods again, and Harry nods in reply, then shrugs.

"Whenever you're ready."

 

"I'm asexual," he says, almost immediately, and four sets of eyes widen--he can feel the intensity of their gazes burn into his sides. "I've known for so, _so_ long. I just--I never wanted to comment on things. I feel like recently I've just discovered how much I love you guys, and how close we are and how easy it’d be to, like, do certain--y’know, _things_ \--with people like you, people I care about this much, but I have, like, no desire to do those things at all. Not with you guys, not with anybody I might date, not with anyone, and it just totally confirmed things for me. I guess I've spent so much time thinking about how I could be wrong, about how I might have, like, sexual feelings for one of you, since you’re the people I’m closest to and I figured if I had to feel that way about anyone it’d be you four, but that's not the case, and it's actually a relief, because it just proves to me that I'm alright, I'm not weird, I just--yeah." 

Niall's spoken in almost just one breath, and no one says anything for almost a whole minute as the news just kind of sinks in.

"Okay," Harry says, nodding. "Yeah."

Zayn smiles at Niall. "Good on ya, mate." His look is knowing, as if this confirms his suspicions, especially after the conversation they'd had the other night.

Liam looks mostly confused, but shrugs. "Whatever you are, Nialler, whoever you are, you know we'll love you. You might just have to, uh. Educate me a bit, I guess," Liam smiles, and Niall grins back. His heart feels lighter and lighter with each boy's approval and he's so close to just floating out of his body in elation, with thankfulness. 

There's a bit of a pause after that and Niall hesitantly glances over to Louis, who's sitting next to him with a sort of calculating look on his face. If there's anyone Niall wants the approval of, it's Louis, the one person Niall actually looks up to, the one person whose opinion always fucking matters, the one person who can always make Niall laugh and feel like he's completely at home.

Louis smiles at him, and all of Niall's worries dissipate.

That is, of course, until he opens his mouth.

 

"Nice one, bro," he says, and Niall's smile freezes on his face. He can't tell if this is the alcohol in Louis that's speaking or what's making him react like this, but he's completely still, regardless, can't bring himself to react in any other way. 

" _Louis_ ," Harry hisses, and Louis' eyes dart to the other boy before he frowns and looks back up at Niall.

"Wait, you're _serious_?" he asks, and Niall feels like his lungs have been crushed from the inside out.

"I--" he tries to say, but it's like he can't get anything out. "Yes," he stutters, and Louis gives him an incredulous look.

"You know that's like--that's not a _thing_ , Niall. Everybody wants to have sex," Louis starts, and Niall can feel his heart sinking. In his mind he's begging Louis, _pleading_ him to not continue, to not say what Niall knows is going to be said next, what Niall has been dreading to hear someone he cares about say to him. "You just haven't found the right person yet. Maybe you haven't looked at the right kind of porn. Here," Louis says, picking up the long-forgotten remote and turning the TV on again, "let's find something you like."

Niall just stares at Louis, watches how one of his best friends, one of his _brothers_ , just pushes something so important away. It's _him_ , it's his _identity_ , why can't Louis understand that?

Louis catches Niall looking at him and chuckles. "What, is it me? Shit, Niall, you know I'm straight, I--"

"I'm asexual," Niall repeats. For some reason, he can't bring himself to say anything else, mostly out of shock that someone this close to him would ever react this way. He knew he should've braced himself for some negative reactions, but he guesses he'd convinced himself that his fear about that happening would never be justified by actual, literal actions.

Louis laughs again, but it's a bit terse now. The other three boys are just watching the two of them, silent and tight-lipped, and Niall almost wants them to start yelling at Louis, but he knows that no one should try and turn on Louis at this point, since the results could be catastrophic. 

"Like I _said_ ," Louis starts, and whatever small piece of Niall's heart that was broken finally crumbles into dust. "That's just a label people pick up when they don't know what's going on with themselves. You just need to get out there more. When was the last time you hooked up with someone?" Louis turns to Niall and rolls his eyes. "You know I'm just saying this because I care, right? I want you to find someone you love, or at least someone you like enough to have sex with. No need to get all silent and put on that 'better-than-thou' demeanor."

 

It’s silent again and it takes Niall a second to realize that he’s shaking--he literally can't help it. He thinks Harry notices but at this point he's pretty sure he's having an actual panic attack. His breaths are short and his lungs feel like they're not functioning properly. He doesn't think he can even see straight and everything seems like a blur as Louis keeps clicking through the TV options.

"…or _boys_ , even," Louis says, and Niall realizes he's tuned out the first part of what Louis has said. "Even that's normal. Like, we all have our kinks or whatnot. I don't want you sitting here, so miserable, missing out on one of God's greatest gifts to men. So take your pick," he says, grinning at the TV. When Niall doesn't respond, he turns to the boy, his smile falling a bit when he sees Niall's state.

"No need to get so _mad_ , Ni, I'm just--"

"Get out," Niall says, and it's so curt, so full of _anger_ , that it takes Niall a while to realize that it's himself who's spoken.

Louis is speechless, for once, until he manages to blink himself out of his stupor. "What?" he asks, as if Niall had mumbled in any way, shape, or form. It's not surprising, since Niall has literally _never_ spoken to Louis in this way before. In fact, out of all of them, Niall would probably be the last one to act the way he's acting now.

"Get. The fuck. Out of my room," he says, and finally looks over at Louis. His eyes are suddenly brimming with tears, and Louis looks absolutely shocked, but Niall doesn't even care. He's never felt this heartbroken before, this betrayed, and he couldn't give two shits what Louis feels like at this moment. "I want you out of my room. Now."

"Why are you so pissy about this? Literally calm the fuck down, I just--"

" _Now_!" Niall screams, so loudly that he can feel his throat twinge at the action. Louis almost falls off the bed in shock but before he can say any more in retort Zayn is up in an instant, one hand gripped tight around Louis' bicep, pulling him towards the door. Louis struggles and protests but Zayn hears none of it, dragging Louis out, with Liam following behind after throwing an apologetic look at Niall. 

Niall is still trembling and he knows Harry's next to him but he doesn't even care. He lies down and covers himself with blankets, too shocked to even cry at this point. He lets Harry spoon him from behind, and they're quiet for a good amount of time before Harry speaks.

"You know Lou didn't--"

"Fuck him," Niall says, and he can practically feel Harry's surprise. "I don't give a flying fuck about Louis right now, Harry, and if all you're going to do is lie there and tell me all the reasons I should forgive him, then I'd rather you get the fuck out too." 

His voice is hoarse but his tone is strong, and even Niall is surprised at his demeanor at the moment, at the amount of confidence he's saying all this with. Harry doesn't reply, so Niall buries his face into his pillow, waiting for the tears to come, waiting for the solid weight behind him to disappear, waiting for the click of the door lock that'll let him know that Harry's left the room.

None of those things happen.

 

\------

 

When Niall wakes up, there's a pleasant couple of minutes during which he has no memory of what happened the night before. He blinks up at the ceiling, not even questioning why Harry is snoring quietly beside him, and smiles.

Then everything floods his mind in the next second and his grin immediately falls. 

He feels nauseous, unbelievably so, and his stomach lurches as he scrambles out of bed, stumbling over to the bathroom and emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl. He knows it's not the beers from last night--he hadn't even drank that much--but rather an overwhelming sense of heartbreak and exhaustion, and before he knows it, he's sobbing next to the toilet, shaking with the force of it.

That's how Harry finds him not long after, the acrid taste of vomit still thick on his tongue, his eyes red from his tears.

 

They don't leave the room for most of the day. Harry is adamant that he has to keep Niall company and Niall knows it's because the other boy fears he might hurt himself in some horrible way, but that's nowhere close to the case. In fact, Niall feels almost emotionless, unfeeling, blindly running on autopilot.

He finds a crumpled pack of cigarettes in the corner of his suitcase and lights one up on the balcony, smoking through half a pack before Harry comes out and purposefully knocks the case over the railing, and the two of them watch the cigarettes fall in slow-motion, sliding out of the case and onto the pavement below.

"That was pretty poetic," Niall says, without really realizing it, and Harry gives him a small smile.

"Some poor person's about to get cigarettes rained on them," Harry replies, and Niall smiles as well. 

It's like the nicotine's cleared his mind a bit, and he exhales, scrubbing his tired face. Harry gives him a sympathetic pat on the back.

"I need to shower," Niall says, and Harry nods, understanding.

"Liam texted me. Said we need a band meeting."

"No."

"Niall, we should--"

"I said no. I'm not interested in talking to--to _him_ right now," Niall answers, and it's so foreign to him, this contempt for someone he's cared so much for for such a long time. "I need to be as far away from him as possible, and I don't want to show him any pity, because he gets away with too much."

Harry bites his lip and Niall sighs, thinking back to when they were all young and starry-eyed, how Harry had spent hours pining after Louis, stealing small kisses and eventually getting his heart broken when Louis had declared, quite proudly, that he was straight. He'd never really been punished for that, in Niall's opinion; then again, Louis had never really been punished for anything.

"I'm not going to let him get away with this," Niall restates, and Harry sighs. "He always slips out of trouble because he's _Louis_ and no one wants to fight him for anything but this is about _me_ and who _I_ am and if I let it slide then he's always going to have some small distaste for my sexual orientation. He's always going to make little biting comments and then laugh and expect me to get over it. I need him to understand all of it, I need him to respect it. I need him to _apologize_. He has to understand that he's _wrong_."

Harry is quiet for a couple seconds before nodding solemnly and then sighing again.

"I guess I can--well, I'll go to the meeting, then. Let them know about this…" he trails off, looking at the horizon. He clears his throat. "Tell Louis what you want."

"Thanks," Niall says, and Harry smiles, giving Niall a warm hug.

"We love you," he whispers, before turning and walking back inside and out of the hotel room. Niall keeps looking off at the sunset, flicking the lighter in his hand on and off until the sun's completely disappeared. 

It's a bit too metaphorical for him to deal with right now.

 

\------

 

They have a show to do, and Niall is too jittery, pushing past people and zooming around on his segway, creating a ruckus and being a general annoyance. He's nervous--he's still pissed the fuck off at Louis but he knows how easily he can be swayed and he knows how easily Louis can sway people and he refuses to let his guard down tonight, refuses to let Louis burrow underneath his skin again and sit there stubbornly, forcing Niall to forgive him, like he usually does.

Zayn just frowns at Niall whenever he walks past, but he does nothing to stop him, and Liam looks conflicted, as if he wants to hold Niall still, but Zayn won't let him. Harry is silent, probably emotionally torn between Niall and Louis and who to support, and strangely enough, Louis is nowhere to be found. Niall can't tell if he's just exceptionally good at avoiding Louis or if Louis is just hiding from him, but the latter option doesn't seem very characteristic of the boy.

He doesn't see Louis until they all huddle together before they go on stage. He looks worn out, as if he hasn't gotten much sleep, and older than Niall's ever seen him before. They all pile their hands on top of each other and Niall can see Louis lock eyes with him and ready himself to speak.

"Don't," he says, and all the boys look at him. Louis looks devastated. "Now's not the time."

 

On stage, Niall tries to put on a false facade so that at least the fans don't leave disappointed. He laughs at everyone's jokes and does his usual jumps and grabs and whatnot. He tries his hardest to avoid interacting with Louis directly but can't get away with it the whole time, so he slings his arm around Louis' shoulders near the end of the show. It's there only for a minute, but he can feel the other boy physically relax into the almost-embrace. He pulls away as soon as he can, making a beeline for Zayn, who also looks pained with the conflict but opens his arms for Niall regardless.

For the rest of the show, he catches Louis glancing at him more often than not, but doesn't allow himself to look back. Instead, he stares ahead at the thousands of twinkling lights spread out in front of him, the mass number of people here just to watch him live out his dream.

 

\------

 

There's a knock at Niall's door. He's dead tired, having just stumbled out of a hot shower, and he can barely keep his eyes open as he pulls on a pair of joggers to answer the door. It's mostly his fault for not checking who it is ahead of time, but once he realizes, he's completely alert, jolted awake.

"Hey," Louis says, and he's holding a six-pack of Guinness along with a huge pizza box. Niall eyes it suspiciously before looking back up at Louis, waiting to hear what he has to say. 

When he doesn't speak, Niall sighs defeatedly. "What?"

"Nothing, I just--aren't you going to invite me in?" Louis asks. "I mean, I'd barge in, to be honest, like usual, but I know you're mad at me and I'm here to win you over--"

"Are you _fucking_ kidding me?" Niall asks. He's positively seething over Louis' ignorance. "You have the _nerve_ to make awful comments about me and then you think I'm simple enough to just stoop to food and booze as a proper apology?"

Louis blinks at him, obviously taken aback, and Niall feels a small sense of self-satisfaction unfurl pleasantly in his chest.

"I just thought--I mean, today on stage--"

"We have fans, Louis. People pay hundreds of dollars to come see us perform and interact on stage, and I'm not going to deny them that."

Louis is quiet for a moment before physically deflating in front of Niall's eyes. "Oh," he mumbles. It's small and weak, and Niall can see the disappointment flash over his features, but Louis doesn't look apologetic yet, can't seem to wrap his brain around the idea of actually being _sorry_ for what he said to Niall at all, and Niall is ready to cry out of frustration.

 

"Are you really this thick, Louis?" he snaps, and it's rude, of course, but he can see the instant Louis locks into his defensive mode, how his stance changes and his face steels up.

"What?" he asks, and Niall scoffs.

"You _insulted_ me. You spouted demeaning shit about my orientation after I opened myself up to you and told you one of the biggest secrets about myself. You, someone I considered my _brother_ , someone who was supposed to support me no matter who I was. You're so fucking full of yourself, Louis, you think you can get away with whatever shit you cook up just because of who you are."

"I don't--"

"I have literally _never_ met anyone else as obnoxious as you. You're an absolute bitch when you want to be and just because you’re the oldest and you write the most songs you think you have a leg up on everyone around you, on all of us, and I'm fucking sick of it. I'm sick of _you_ , Louis."

It's shockingly quiet for a few seconds, and Niall can tell that a few other doors in the hall have opened and other people are listening in to the conversation. He doesn't care, though, keeps his gaze locked onto Louis', _dares_ him to try and continue this fight. Louis looks like he's seething, his mouth shut in a tight line, the skin around it almost white from how tight he's pressing his lips together.

"Well," Louis says, after almost half a minute of silence. His voice breaks a bit and he clears his throat. "If that's how you really feel, then."

Niall wants to yell at Louis _more_ , wants him to understand just how much he's hurting and how much Louis' actions have wounded him, but he can tell that any more pushing could be pretty dangerous, so he keeps his mouth shut, watches as Louis slowly walks down the hall, waving at the people from their team who're watching them.

"Enjoying the show?" he asks, and they hastily shut their doors. Niall keeps looking at Louis until the boy reaches his own room and carefully unlocks the door, gently pushing it shut behind him.

 

Niall slams his own door shut, so loud he's sure he can feel the frame shake, and leans against the back of it, sliding down till he's seated on the thick carpet. 

He knows he's fucked up. He's never regretted doing something so soon after he's done it but he can feel the guilt sweep over him in waves right now. He shouldn't have said any of that, even if Louis had deserved to hear it--they've got fans, they've got other bandmates, they've got this whole fucking career and another album and another tour and a fight like this could destroy everything, could practically _ruin_ all that they've worked so hard for. He almost stands up and opens the door, ready to march over to Louis' room and apologize, but it's his pride that keeps him from going, that reminds him that Louis still owes _him_ an apology and that Louis needs to get over himself before he fucks around with Niall's feelings anymore.

"Niall?" A voice asks, from the other side of the door, and it's Harry, of course, because Zayn and Liam are probably off taking care of Louis again, trying to calm him down and prevent him from destroying his hotel room in a fit of rage. "Ni, can I come in?"

Niall takes a deep breath and lets out a shaky sigh. "No," he says, surprising himself, but he doesn't question his response, just trusts his mind to know what he really needs right now. "I think I just--I need some space, man. I'm sorry, I--"

"No, you're good. I understand." Harry replies, and Niall can imagine the way he's frowning, how his fingers are probably combing through his hair at this point. "Just--text me, yeah? When you're feeling better? I just want to make sure you're safe."

"Yeah," Niall says, leaning his head back so it knocks against the door. "Yeah, I will."

Harry doesn't reply, so Niall assumes he's left, and he slowly drags himself to his feet and walks to the bathroom, splashing some water on his face before stripping down to his underwear and plopping himself into bed. He picks up his phone automatically and it unlocks onto Twitter, his newsfeed shining bright in the dim light of his room. He scrolls through the tweets there monotonously, favoriting a few and almost itching to write some of his own, ranting about certain people doing certain things, maybe even throwing caution to the wind and coming out to the whole world through 140 characters, but he restrains himself. He's already done enough damage tonight through mindless actions without thinking about the consequences, and coming out like this, though he knows it'll help raise awareness as well as hopefully give some of his fans someone to relate to, could create even more of a shitstorm in the real world, and whatever crap he's whipped up now needs to stay in between the boys, inside of this hotel, away from prying, questioning eyes.

He's ready to turn his phone off and toss it on the bedside table when his phone buzzes with a notification about a new tweet from someone he's got alerts set up for. He clicks the bubble, not really paying attention to what it's saying, and finds himself looking at a tweet that Louis' just sent out.

 

 

It's a sharp slap in Niall's face, and his stomach burns with distaste, with anger at Louis' gall. He clicks through to Louis' profile without really thinking about it and immediately unfollows him, surprised at his own bitchiness, and then goes back to the tweet, typing out a reply probably harder than he needs to. He shuts his phone off immediately and flicks the lights off too, burying his face in the pillows around him and refusing to think about what's going to happen because of what he's just said publicly to tens of millions of people.

 

 

\------

 

There's a loud pounding in Niall's head, and for a second he thinks he's got a solid headache, but he can't really feel any pain. He blinks his eyes open and immediately tunes into the rhythmic banging sound, which turns out to be coming from his door.

He gets out of bed, scratching his stomach and patting his hair down. He doesn't expect to open the door to a stern-looking Harry Styles. He especially doesn't expect the boy to come storming into his room, followed by a haggard Liam and a concerned Zayn.

"Niall," Harry says, his voice calm and low, and Niall knows that's the voice he uses when he gets really mad. "This has to stop."

"What--" Niall starts, and then it dawns on him. All of the events from yesterday pour back into his brain and his stomach churns a bit. "I-- _he_ started it!" he cries, suddenly defensive, and he knows it's childish, but he really doesn't want to admit he's wrong.

Zayn sighs. "Maybe, bro, but you know Louis. What good is going to come out of you tweeting him like that?"

"Did you go to sleep right after?" Liam says. "Because you didn't reply to the rest of the stuff he said. I mean, he deleted it like, a minute afterwards, but it's all over the internet anyways. Everyone thinks you're in some big fight."

Niall blinks at Liam. "We _are_ in some big fight. And no, I didn't see anything. I unfollowed him."

All the other three boys blink at Niall, shocked.

"You _unfollowed_ him?" Harry asks, gaping at Niall, and Niall shrugs. 

"He's not taking this seriously."

"You _know_ what Louis thinks this means, right? He's not--Niall, he's going to do something bad. You know what how he gets every time someone he loves breaks his heart."

"Listen," Niall says, sternly. "I need him to apologize to me. I need him to explain to me that he understands what he did was wrong. I need him to acknowledge that and to know that he can't just fucking get away with this, and I don't care how bad he feels. He has to say it, and to my face. And that's that." 

Harry sighs and Liam blinks at Niall, confused. "Niall, we have another show _tonight_. We have to get on the road soon and if Louis isn't on that bus--"

"Louis'll be there," Zayn says, out of the blue, and the other boys turn to look at him leaning against a wall, raising an eyebrow. "I'll make sure of it."

Liam pinches the bridge of his nose. "We don't need more bad publicity right now. The rumor mill's already working overtime and people think this is going to lead to us breaking up."

"I'm not the one who's deciding the band's fate," Niall says, stubbornly. "I'm not asking for the fucking moon, either. I'm asking him to admit he's wrong, to get over his big fucking ego, and to understand that things won't always go the way he expects them to."

"Niall," Liam starts. "You need to--"

"No," Zayn interrupts. "Louis is going to apologize. Niall's right. This is the only way to fix this. And it's going to be tough and painful but we've got to get Louis to do this."

Liam groans. " _Fuck_. Where is he?"

"In his room. He just texted me," Harry says, frowning down at his phone. "He says he wants to talk to me and Zayn."

Liam looks relieved and Niall tries not to smirk at that. "Good. You two go and I'll stay here with Niall and…uh…"

"Pack?" Niall suggests, and Liam grins.

"Yes! Pack. And this'll all be over soon, we'll all be a big, happy band again. Yeah?"

Zayn rolls his eyes and Harry gives a small shrug as the turn to leave the room. Liam looks back at Niall, more disappointed than ever. "It's not going to be that easy, is it?"

Niall snorts. " _You_ know Louis," he mutters, walking to the bathroom. "You can answer that question yourself."

 

\------

 

Things are tense after that. Niall can tell. He's not lax with Louis by any means, and he still puts on a show whenever they're on stage, but he's strict with how much he interacts with the boy otherwise. He's not going to crumble--he refuses to. He's let Louis get away with so much before but for once he wants to be the one to open the door to Louis standing there, not vice versa.

He's not expecting the call he gets, and he's not even looking at the phone when he picks it up.

"Hello?" he says, and he's out on the green, hitting a few balls around.

"Hi, Niall," a voice replies, and fuck, it's Eleanor, probably the last person Niall expected to hear from. Sure, they're friends, but their conversations are usually limited to him texting her photos and videos of Louis doing stupid things and then her asking for guitar lessons whenever she hangs out with them while they're on tour.

"Oh. Hey, El. What's up?" he asks, trying to sound nonchalant. He knows why she's calling, of course, but he's allowed to assume she just wants to talk to him to catch up, right?

"He's really sorry, y'know," she says, and Niall's heart falls a bit, but he tries not to let it show through his voice.

"That's tough, I guess."

Eleanor sighs. "He called me last night and cried for almost an hour over the phone. He doesn't know what to do when people abandon him like this."

Niall frowns. "I'm not _abandoning_ him. I'm just a few doors down, max, at all times. There's nothing stopping him from coming to talk to me."

"Yeah, but you won't listen to him."

"Did he tell you that?" Niall scoffs. "He hasn't tried to talk to me for over a week now. He just keeps avoiding eye contact with me when we're off stage, Eleanor. He's made no effort to say sorry."

"Say sorry about what?" Eleanor asks, and Niall freezes up for a second.

"What do you mean, 'what'? Did he just tell you I stopped talking to him for no reason?"

Eleanor sounds as confused as Niall does. "I mean…he mentioned getting in a fight with you but that's about it."

Niall sighs. He feels so tired, all of a sudden. He just wants this to be over and done, wants Louis to go ahead and get his head out of his ass and apologize, but he knows he can't be the one to tell Louis to do it, because that'll ruin the whole _point_ of the silent treatment he's been giving him the past week or so. "I don't--" he starts, then shakes his head. "I told him something personal, Eleanor. Him and the boys. And Louis, like he always does, made some stupid comment about it that really hurt me, like _really_ hurt me, and he doesn't seem to understand that the only way I'm going to forgive him is if he legitimately apologizes to me and admits that he did something wrong."

It's quiet for a second, as if Eleanor is absorbing what Niall's said. "Well," she says, finally. "That's asking a lot of him."

Niall lets out a laugh without meaning to, but he can hear the chuckle on the other end of the line, so he knows Eleanor gets what he's trying to say.

"So he's just…being daft, then?" Eleanor asks.

"Yup."

"Okay. I suppose I'm not allowed to be mad at you now."

"Thank God."

Eleanor sighs. "You don't want me to tell him, do you?"

"I'd rather you not. I want him to figure this out for himself. Do something worth me forgiving him."

"I guess I get it. I'll--I'll talk to you later, yeah? Soon?"

"Definitely. You still practicing those chords?"

"Every chance I get."

Niall smiles. "Thanks for calling, El. I do appreciate it."

"It's literally my duty. Thanks for, uh. Setting Louis straight. Or at least trying to. I've been trying for God knows how long myself."

"It's a struggle, I suppose."

Eleanor hums in agreement, then sighs again. "I'll see you around, Niall."

"I'll hold you to it."

 

When Niall gets onto the buses later that night, it's just Louis sitting in the front, and he freezes for a bit before making his way to the bunks. He'd like to squeeze a nap in before heading over to do some recording, but Louis is looking at him in a strange way, as if Niall's some foreign puzzle he's trying to figure out. It's not that bothersome but Niall's still irritated and he turns to glare at Louis.

" _What_?" he snaps, and it's the first time he's spoken to the boy in weeks. Louis looks completely surprised and blinks a couple of times before clearing his throat.

"Nothing, I just…I…did you wanna play FIFA or something? I--"

"No."

"Right," Louis replies, nodding his head. "Right, yeah. Because you're sick of me."

Niall snorts. "Don't fucking put the blame of this on me."

"But it is. It is on you," Louis says, his voice rising. "Because you're so fucking _sensitive_ about what everyone says about you, and--"

"Shut _up_!" Niall yells, and it's loud enough that Louis physically takes a step back. Niall walks over till he's right in front of Louis, their noses almost pressed together. "You need to figure out what it is I want from you, Louis. Because I know you're not the asshole that you're acting like right now. I don't know what you're trying to get out of me but I'm not budging. It's you that has to make the first move."

He turns away quickly, fast-walking to his bunk and jumping into it, pulling the curtain closed before he can even glance at Louis' floored expression. There’s a bit of movement he hears from the other side and it even sounds close, and for a second Niall feels this surge of hope, as if Louis is going to pull the curtain open and finally redeem himself.

But of course, nothing happens.

 

It’s ridiculous. Niall _knows_ that Louis’ comments shouldn’t hit him this hard, he knows that he’s so much more than what was said to him. But, regardless, he still feels annoyed. He’s never had to deal with anyone saying this to him, though, granted, this is the first time he’s told anyone about his sexual orientation. 

The longer Niall lies there just thinking, the more and more stressed he becomes. He’s frowning continuously and he doesn’t realize it until his face starts to hurt. It’s like when you repeat a word incessantly and it starts to sound foreign and weird to you until the word almost doesn’t seem real anymore. And the more Niall thinks about this, like _really_ thinks about it, he can get why Louis reacted the way he did. Like, it is pretty strange that Niall is the way he is. He’s not normal in any way. Normal people don’t shy away from sex, normal people don’t avoid mindless hookups, normal people aren’t like this.

Maybe Niall _is_ fucked up. Maybe Niall needs to change. He can try that, right? Try going out and meeting some fit girl or guy. Try bragging about it to the boys the next day. Then maybe he’ll see the understanding and acceptance in Louis’ face, finally, the first time in so many days. He sighs dejectedly. He was feeling so on top, so happy with himself and at peace for the first time in so fucking long, and now--well, Niall just can’t be happy, can he? Just can’t ever find any joy in figuring out who he is. Everything is just so fucking _unfair_.

 

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until his pillow is sticking wet against his cheek, and just the realization of that has him sobbing again, and not at all quietly. Niall almost feels embarrassed at the sounds coming out of his mouth but he’s beyond caring. He hasn’t felt this helpless in a long time and he doesn’t even know what to do; he’s fucking lost.

There’s a soft rustling of the curtain at his side but Niall doesn’t turn his head to see who it is. 

“Hey,” a voice says, quietly, and it’s Harry, of course. Niall almost doesn’t want to feel the gentle happiness surging through his heart at the other boy’s appearance. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up just to have them destroyed again.

“Can I come in?” Harry asks, but doesn’t wait for an answer and climbs in next to Niall anyways. 

Niall knows it’s gross, he knows _he’s_ gross too, snot running from his nose and the skin on his face pulled tight from dried tear tracks. His pillow is still wet, right in the middle, and his face must be flushed pink, even in the dim light of his bunk.

But Harry doesn’t care. He lies right down next to Niall and moves him over with a firm hand, tucking the blond boy into his chest carefully. Niall’s nose is rubbing into Harry’s shirt and it’s disgusting but neither boy really reacts to it, the two of them silent for a long time before anyone says anything.

“Why am I like this, Harry?” Niall asks, finally, his voice cracking as he gets the question out. “Am I a mistake? I’m not like everyone else and it fucking _sucks_.”

Harry takes a long time to reply and it’s almost comforting, somehow assures him that even Harry thinks about this sometimes, worries about himself and how he fits into society.

“I think,” Harry starts, sighing. “I think it’s less about pleasing the people around you and more about making sure _you’re_ happy with who you are.” He pauses and nudges Niall’s forehead with his nose. “You _are_ happy with yourself, right?”

Niall groans. “I _was_.”

“Don’t let what anyone says change how you feel about yourself, Ni.”

“It’s not just anyone. It’s _Louis_.”

Niall can feel Harry’s jaw set against his temple. “Louis can be a twat sometimes. A lot of times. Don’t let his ignorance get to you.”

“I don’t feel like I can ever just be happy with my life now. I feel like I’m not meeting up to people’s expectations.” Niall sighs and presses his hand to Harry’s chest, feeling the warmth underneath his shirt. “And I know he really fucking hurt you too, Harry, and I’m sorry.”

“What Louis--” Harry starts, then clears his throat, as if he’s getting choked up himself. Niall looks up, worried, but Harry just shakes his head. “What Louis did with me wasn’t intentional, though. He just thought I was someone who fawned after him, and you know how Louis is when he’s getting someone’s undivided attention. He treated me special because I treated him special, and he never really meant to break my heart like that. He can’t really be blamed for that. Don’t try and compare the two. What he did to you was just plain mean.”

“I want to forgive him, I really do, but by now, it...it almost feels like I’ll be weak for doing so. I want him to feel some pain too, y’know?”

“I hate to say this, but--he is in pain, Niall. He’s tearing himself apart trying to figure out how to mend whatever he’s broken with you.”

“It still doesn’t seem like enough.” Niall mumbles, then presses his face more into Harry’s chest, relishing the familiar scent of his deodorant. “It doesn’t compare.”

“No, but I think, like, part of this process is being the bigger man, yeah?” Harry asks, combing through Niall’s hair. “It’s how you know you’re better than whomever you’re up against. You’re able to forgive them and that’s huge, it shows how great you are.”

Niall grunts in acknowledgement. “I guess.”

“Plus,” Harry adds, a smirk in his tone, “you never know what to expect with those damn heterosexuals.”

Niall snorts, loudly, into Harry’s shirt, then can’t stop himself as he’s overcome with laughter. He laughs hard, deep, and then he can’t stop shaking, but it’s not funny anymore. He’s just so _worried_ about everything and it takes almost a half hour of Harry’s soothing words and comforting back rubs to calm him down. 

“I think,” Niall says, finally, after he can breathe normally again. “I think I can forgive him. And move on. And be happy.”

“Yeah?” Harry asks. “What brought this along all of a sudden?”

“I’m a good person.” Niall mutters, then chuckles. “And I don’t want any negativity in my life anymore. I don’t ever want to feel as low as I just did.”

“This might not be the last time you hear these things, though, Niall.”

“I know. But it hurts more when it comes from someone you care about. And if anyone I care about ever does something like this to me again, I think I know how to handle it.”

“That’s big of you.”

“I’m a good person.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m smart and I’m strong.”

“You tell ‘em, Niall.”

“At first I was afraid, I was petrified…”

“Niall, _please_.”

Niall giggles, rolling into Harry even more and letting the younger boy completely envelop him in a hug. “Thank you.”

“Anytime, Niall. Just...don’t forget that you’re not alone in this, yeah?”

Niall sighs happily and closes his eyes, letting a long-awaited sense of relief wash over him. “Yeah.”

 

\------

 

In the end, it happens in a spectacularly regular kind of way--to be honest, Niall was expecting something radical from Louis' end, something written in the sky or some sort of footballer-involved dance/apology video, but it's nothing like that--Louis just shows up at his door again, middle of the night, carrying a 6-pack of beer and a huge pizza, just like he had the last time he'd been there. Niall is ready this time, though. He’s kept a peaceful mindset and he’s so _ready_ for this.

"So. Can we talk?" Louis asks, and Niall shrugs.

"Maybe," he says, still waiting at the door frame. Louis lets out a shaky sigh. Niall is sure he knows that Niall’s making him work for this, but Louis isn’t protesting, thank god, and when he looks up at Niall, it’s the first time that there’s some genuine regret and understanding in his gaze.

"I'm sorry," he says, and Niall rolls his eyes and steps to the side, letting Louis walk into his room. _Finally_.

They spread out on the bed, digging into the food, and it's only after they've finished eating in a relatively awkward silence that Louis speaks up.

"I know--fuck, I mean I'm sorry. Like, I really am, Nialler, I didn't know _anything_ about any of this."

Niall nods in agreement, raising an eyebrow. "Okay."

"I did some research. I went online and I looked up a bunch of stuff," Louis says, looking hopeful.

"D'you want a fucking cookie or something?" Niall quips, and Louis frowns. "Louis, you did what any regular person would do. It's not some great thing that you figured out how to use Google. I'm not going to pat you on the back for doing something any respectable human being would do." 

"Right. Um…" Louis says, and his mouth twists up the way it does when he's really trying to think hard about something. "I'm sorry I wasn't decent. About what you told me. I guess you know me and my tendency is to make a joke out of everything and I thought you'd laugh it off which, y'know, was obviously not the case. And totally understandable."

"Good."

"I think I was mostly scared. Scared for you, Niall, because I know how big this must be and I don't want you getting hurt in any way and I was hoping, I guess, that you'd realize you made a mistake or something and take what you said back so that you'd be…" he pauses, as if he's searching for a word. Niall raises an eyebrow.

"Normal?" he supplies, and Louis smiles guiltily.

"I was trying to avoid using that particular phrasing, but yeah. I always want to protect you, keep you safe and not in trouble, and something like this can get you so much hate from so many idiotic people and it was already crazy enough when _Harry_ came out and now this, it just. Like. I wanted to keep you safe, and I guess I thought the best way to do that was to try and convince you that you were wrong about yourself," Louis frowns. "Which sounds awful now that I say it out loud. Damn."

Niall smirks. "I know what I'm getting myself into, Louis. But it's who I am. I literally could not change this if I tried. I know what I can face if and when I do come out, but don't worry. It's probably, like, not going to be very soon, if ever. This might just be something I keep for those close to me, y'know? Just so you guys don't look at me weird every time I decline an offer from some fit girl to go back to her place."

"I thought you were just holding out for someone special, to be honest." Louis gives him a small smile. 

"Maybe," Niall shrugs. "I know I can be in a relationship _some_ day, so it's just got to be with someone who gets that this is who I am."

"I'm sorry I didn't get it."

"I know. And I'm happy you finally realized it. I was getting really tired of you being such an ignorant twat."

Louis laughs. "I can't believe you got me to admit I was wrong about something. But, I suppose, if there was anyone in the world who could get me to do it…"

"Yeah, yeah," Niall laughs, then gets more solemn, biting his lip. "I'm happy you did this because you cared about me, though. I was afraid it was the exact opposite."

" _Niall_ ," Louis says, almost reverently, and pulls Niall into a tight hug. "You could literally murder someone and I would help you hide the body, no matter what sexuality you are."

“No matter what sexual _orientation_ I am,” Niall corrects him. “There’s a difference. God, Harry and I are really going to have to teach you about all this, huh?”

“I guess. I’m sorry I’m so awful.”

Niall snorts. “Me too.”

Louis pauses for a second before pulling away from Niall. "Sorry. Hugs are okay, right?"

Niall rolls his eyes. "Yes, Louis. You can hug me or kiss me or cuddle me, I'm okay with all that. Just don't expect me to accept any invitations into anything with you and Eleanor."

Louis crinkles his nose. "I'll keep that in mind, mate." 

He pulls Niall into a hug again and the two of them stay like that for a little while, just in silence, until Louis speaks again.

"Missed you."

"I missed you too."

 

\------

 

It's late October and Niall is _finally_ getting a break from tour, spread out in his flat with a blissfully empty schedule. He's stretched out on his couch, eyes closed, about to drift off into a lazy nap when his phone beeps with a new alert.

It's a new tweet from Louis, and Niall beams when he opens it up.

 

 

He immediately favorites the tweet and retweets it to his own followers, a sense of pride and adoration blooming through his chest as he flicks through to his phone app and makes a call.

"Hello?" Louis' voice answers. He sounds a bit nervous but excited nonetheless, as if he's aware for the reason behind Niall's call.

"Thanks. I know it sounds dumb, but like. It really does mean a good amount, y'know? And I know so many fans are going to find this amazing, especially coming from you."

"Well, y'know," Louis says, sounding a bit smug. "I had to tweet it to all the millions more followers I have than you."

"Louis," Niall starts, speaking slowly. "You do know that I have, like, at least 2 million more followers than you, right?"

There's a long pause from the end of the line before Louis speaks again. 

"Fuckin' _hell_!"

 

\------

**Author's Note:**

> Eep! I hope y'all enjoyed it! Please let me know what you thought!
> 
> You can find me on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/slashter_fic) and [Tumblr](slashter.tumblr.com)!


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